Male/Female Dictionary
WANTS AND NEEDS (wontz and nedz) n.
Female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship. Male: Food, sex and beer.
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
GLASS CEILING (glas see-ling) n.
Female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.
Male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing ball without a cup.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.
BUTT (but) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look bigger.
Male: The organ of mooning.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything with one ball, two beers, or three stooges.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: What men have to call boinking. To get women to boink.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.
TASTE (tayst) v.
Female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
Male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad prior to tossing it out.
The Battle of the Sexes
"If you take a dog in and feed it, it will remain loyal to you and never turn on you. This is the principle difference between a man and a dog"
- Mark Twain
A man generally has two reasons for doing a thing. One that sounds good, and a real one.
A man is like a fine wine. He starts out raw as grapes and it's a woman's job to stomp on him and keep him in the dark until he matures into something she'd like to have dinner with.
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
- Gloria Steinem
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "I was a fool when I married you." she replied "yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no point in two people remembering the same thing...
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher... and that is a good thing for any man.
- Socrates
By the time you swear you're his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is
Infinite, undying,
Lady make note of this:
One of you is lying.
- Dorothy Parker
Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.
Don't be sexist. Broads hate that.
Don't bother getting married - just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.
First, God created man. Then he had a better idea.
Grow your own Dope. Plant a man.
I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures.
I haven't found Mr Right, but I have found Mr Cheap, Mr Sleazy and Mr Wrong.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.
- Marie Corelli
It begins when you sink into his arms and ends with your arms in the sink.
Make love, not war - heck, do both, get married!
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished...
Marriage is much like communism, it works best in theory.
Men have feelings too (but who really cares)
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It's titled: 'Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.'
My wife told me I should be more affectionate, so I got two girlfriends.
Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
Never appeal to a man's 'better nature.' He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
- Lazarus Long
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
- Henry Kissinger
Some say a computer is a woman, if you do something wrong, they'll remember every bit of it. Some say a computer is a man, if you had just waited one more week, you could have gotten a better model for less.
Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.
- Katharine Hepburn
The average woman prefers beauty over brains because the average man can see better than he can think.
A couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.' The woman wrote 'When two people love each other very much, like Bob and I, it is morally acceptapble for them to engage in sex.' And Bob wrote 'I love sex.'
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